Divorce is hard on everyone. First the loved ones that separated, then the children, then the extended family, and finally the step parents that come into the picture down the road. I have been a step child, my children have had step parent's, and finally I have become a step parent. And the hardest, so far, has been being the step parent.
"There is this double standard by which we suspect stepmothers of being wicked and selfish, yet expect them to be utterly selfless and loving to kids who are not their own, kids who are often hostile and rejecting for many years in spite of a stepmother's best efforts and intentions." Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
No matter what you do, It is never good enough, you are never perfect enough, the gifts are never what they wanted, and so on.
My boys have step mothers that are probably not perfect either but I treat them as they are! I also encourage my boys to treat them with respect and love. When their step mothers buy them gifts, I call them and thank them. On mother's day, I make sure they give them a call. When it is their birthday, they get a call or a card. They are their "mother" in my absence. I respect them. They LOVE my children. If anything happened to me, they would gladly help raise MY CHILDREN! They would never take my place but they would help fill the emptiness that would be there. There is plenty of love to go around. More than one woman can love your children. Why is that such a hard concept for some to learn? Is it jealousy? Is it fear that someone will take your place? I have no intentions of taking any ones place. However, when the children are in my home, I do cook, clean, make them do chores, make them brush their teeth, make them obey the rules. If this makes me some horrible, evil human being, so be it. But I refuse to be disrespected.
"It is important that for wives and ex-wives to realize that you don't have to be the arch rival or best friend with each other. There is a middle ground and often times that's the safest position to be in." Kela Price
"Making sure the kids suffer the least amount of damage possible and that includes their stability in both households (chores and creating and/or maintaining relationships with all parents) truly takes ALL parents. also decreases the children's chances of using any "divide and conquer" strategies against their parents. When parents present a unified front, that child has boundaries and more importantly, he or she realizes that EVERYONE is working together for their best interest." Kela Price
In my life, I have had many trials and tribulations but have NEVER had any problems getting along with others. Heck, I still have the same friends from junior high and high school. My siblings and I have never even had an argument, as adults. It is not in me to fight or argue and takes much to probe me to that point. I have done nothing but love and respect my stepchildren and children and plan to continue on the same path. I am greatly saddened that someone may think otherwise but I will continue on just as I have but will not continue to be any ones verbal punching bag in 2011.
"Stepmothers, I urge you to take your power back. Your husband's divorce was not your fault and it isn't your responsibility to fix. You can be understanding and supportive without being every one's punching bag." Kela Price
Hang in there Kelli! As a stepchild, and a Stepmother too(I raised my husbands 2 children from the ages of 5 and 7)I understand your pain. Since, my stepkids have reunited with their mother( she abandoned them, and then only saw them when it was convenient for her)I have become this monster in their eyes, because I made them do things and did not take their crap. I also had a daughter of my own the same age and felt like she help me hostage. Step kids and kids of divorce play all kinds of games. (I and my family treated them like they were mine, because they were in my home 95% of the time) All I can say is that I did the best I could...I had jealous people all over the place talking behind my back, trying to undercut everything Lloyd and I were trying to accomplish. And the thing that we were trying to accomplish was to raise children that would be a success in their world when they got grown....and you know what....all of them are there...the one that says I am a monster has brought on alot of crap on herself and that is not my fault....because you are young and I have walked this path...I want to tell you somethings I would do differently. I would not have raised stepchildren...I would never take away from my own children...I always tried to be "fair" but they and others never saw it. It has caused my body to have alot of stress...and you certainly don't need that. As far as gifts....give them money....they can't bitch about that. I know it isn't real personal, but you can't go wrong and they can't throw it in your face....You will always be the person they blame for what has happened....the mother of my stepkids told them that I broke up their marriage and I was NO WHERE around at the time....so you cannot win....You are at a crossroad with your health..take care of you. Keep doing what feels right with your boys stepmother...I applaud you for your efforts. I know men don't want to deal with things, but I would do things differently there too. Make my husband have more responsibility with HIS own kids....Hang in there! I have let them hurt my soul....I am working through it. I was a stay at home mom and I let my self worth be wrapped up in them....To find out you were this monster was heart breaking...I am becoming the stepmother I should have been in the first place. Thanks for you blog. love ya
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